I have been putting off writing this blog because I am not sure how I will emotionally handle it. Truth is, I am sitting (not so) pretty at 35 weeks right now and the emotional hormonal factor has really stepped up its game. Last night, I cried at an Amazon prime commercial about a baby and dog which led to me not paying attention to cooking and sticking my finger in boiling hot oil in a frying pan (which I remedied by then slathering yellow mustard on the impending blister- no joke. Thanks, Google!) If you are anything like me, you started off a highly emotional person and once you got pregnant, things took a sharp turn toward crazy town. I cannot help how much I cry these days. Another example: this morning I cried because I love my dog so much and I thought he looked sad. Meanwhile, I am pretty sure he was just trying to say thanks for breakfast.
So all poking fun at myself aside, when I was about 7 weeks pregnant, my parents called to tell me that my aunt and godmother had passed away. To say that I was devastated is an understatement. I had experienced three deaths on my father's side of the family within the past year (my grandfather and two of my uncles). It had been a very sad and grief filled year for my family and I was blindsided with the loss of my aunt. She was my second mother- I grew up playing in her house almost every day for years. We even lived with them at one point when my parents worked through the transition of my dad's switch from Active Duty to civilian life. The house I grew up in was up the street from their house and we would walk back and forth daily. She would fill in at dance competitions if my mom couldn't be there, french braid my hair for dance pictures, come to support at cheer competitions. She had the funniest stories of when she would take care of me when I was a baby. I could tell she loved me deeply. Simply put, she was always there for me. When my father told me on the phone that she had passed, I sat there stunned and then began to wail. I can't recall ever feeling that sort of grief before. I couldn't breathe- all I could do was cry out with this terrible sound from deep inside my body. I collapsed on the bed and handed the phone to my husband to talk to my father. Everyone kept telling me how important it was that I remain calm and think about how precarious the first trimester was for the baby. I didn't want to calm down. I didn't want to suppress my grief. I didn't know how to proceed.
I could go on with stories of my flight back east, how difficult the funeral and wake were to get through, how much I wished I can hear my aunt laugh again. I am crying as I type and not sure if that is the best idea. Instead I will provide a few tips I used to handle my grief while pregnant.
1) Find the moments you can laugh with your family. Find the moments you can cry with your family. Indulge in both.
2) Tell your unborn baby that you need to feel sad for a bit and it has nothing to do with them. Let yourself feel your feelings.
3) Breathe slowly in and out of your nose if you wake up with anxiety. Wake your husband or partner up and confide in them during those dark moments in the middle of the night. Ask to be held if you need it.
4) Mourn the knowledge that the beloved person you lost will never meet your baby or, in my case, even know you were pregnant. If it's early on in pregnancy like mine, take this opportunity to tell your other loved ones your good news earlier than you anticipated. On such a sad day after my aunt's funeral, I shared the news with my cousins and uncle. It became a beautiful way to share the news- to have something to look forward to with my family: the beginning of precious life as we muddled our way through processing the loss of precious life.
5) Months later, when you begin to cry in your kitchen because you considered picking up the phone to call the one you've lost, catch yourself on the kitchen counter and shed some tears. Wipe the tears away and remind yourself that it is normal to consider that person as still alive every now and then. Tell them you love them and move on with your day.
6) Enjoy the moments of happy memories you have about your loved one who has passed. When you see someone who reminds you of them, acknowledge it to yourself or who are you with at the time. Compile stories to share with your child in the future about your memories. Remember that the person you lost loved you and would want you to carry on with your life as happily as you can. Take one day at a time.
Losing my aunt was one of the most terrible things I have endured this year. Being pregnant is a blessing, yes, but to say this has been the worst year of my life is sharing a dark truth. Experiencing this loss, one that brings me to tears still, was one of the hardest lessons in grief I have ever had to date. I am not a religious person but I like to think that our loved ones live on beyond the grave. I hope she is able to see me and her great-nephew when he is born. I hope she smiles at him being named after her father (my papa) and his middle name's affiliation to the Beatles (she would let me play her Beatles records and study the album covers for hours). I hope she knows I loved her more than I can ever express in words.
We all have our angels. She is leading the pack of mine.
One of the biggest fears I had once I started accepting that I was pregnant was labor and delivery. Everyone loves to share their horror stories about having their baby and tv and movies make it look like the most traumatic, painful experience a woman can undergo. Know what else traumatizes me and causes me pain? The idea of a huge needle in my spine and a catheter. I get light headed having my blood drawn (pregnancy has been a joy for that hahahaha nope). I do not place judgment on a woman who decides to get an epidural. By all means, mama, you do you. But when the idea of a needle in my spine makes me squirm more than the idea of pushing a watermelon sized human out of my vag, I really started wondering just what I had gotten myself into.
At my 20 week ultrasound, I said to my doctor "I have been thinking about not having an epidural...am I crazy?" He said "Nope." He threw out a statistic, I can't remember the exact number, but I remember it was around 80% of women get epidurals...and the ones who don't usually don't because it's too late to get them. Not exactly the confidence boost I was looking for...but then he handed me a pamphlet for Hypnobirthing with Alisha Tamburri. We finished our appointment and my husband and I headed out to grab breakfast before leaving town for our babymoon. I opened the pamphlet and immediately saw an endorsement from Jessica Alba and thought "We cannot afford this." Such is life in LA sometimes.
I spent a couple weeks researching childbirth classes but could not stop thinking about the concept of hypnobirthing. I decided to really look into the cost and saw that it was not much more than a regular childbirthing class so I decided to jump on the opportunity and signed up. I cannot tell you how happy I am that I made that decision for myself. Alisa Tamburri is an incredible woman and instructor. Every week, we went over shifting your mindset, self hypnosis, relationship building with your partner, and invaluable reminders that your body was meant to do this. I have been reading the book that corresponds to the course we studied (The Mongan Method) and feel confident that I am ready to take on this challenge.
In hypnobirthing, you learn alternative phrases to scary sounding medical terms (for example: contractions are now referred to as surges). Each surge is bringing my baby closer to me and we will work as a team to bring him into this world. I am not saying labor and delivery do not hurt or this is a promise of a pain free birth. What I am saying is I believe that remaining relaxed has a major impact on how painful and scary of an experience it can be. Tensing up in any situation means tight muscles and can hinder performance by igniting fight or flight. Remaining calm and open to the situation at hand will provided relaxed muscles and allow my body to do what it is naturally built to do, what women for so many years before us have done, even long before epidurals were around. I will not be pushing my baby out but rather breathing him down the birth canal. Every day I practice self hypnosis and bring myself into a deeply calm and relaxed state. It has helped me find relief in the stressors of pregnancy and life as a whole and is a tool I will take on my journey long past my baby's birth day.
I promise to share an update of how it all worked out after Baby Perez is here. But I am happy to say that my confidence and shift in perception toward giving birth has been a life changer. My doctor says natural birth is not a crazy concept but he believes hypnobirthing can be an invaluable tool should you choose to go that route. I've already received my money's worth from class with this new outlook and no longer dread that day. Instead, I look positively with anticipation on this beautiful miracle.
Sometime near the beginning of my second trimester, I started prenatal yoga. As I was preparing to leave for my first yoga class, I opened the curtains along the back sliding door to let the dogs outside in the yard and noticed 4 wasps flying around inside the covered patio. I had seen a wasp or two around there for a week or so and mentioned it to my husband. (Full disclosure: I am terrified of bees, wasps, and hornets. So when I told my husband that I was concerned there were wasps gathering to build a nest in our patio, he brushed off my concern as paranoia.) When I saw the 4 wasps flying around that morning, I had a meltdown of epic pregnancy proportions, convinced they would sting my dogs while I was away. After a phone call where my husband convinced me that the dogs and wasps were both "creatures who knew how to live with each other," I placed the dogs' water bowls around the side of the house, far from the chaos, dried my tears, and went to class. When the teacher at class had us all go around the room and announce how we were feeling that morning, I explained that I had spent the morning crying over wasps that were going to hurt my dogs. She gently replied, "so your pregnancy is a more emotional journey." You don't know the half of it, sister.
Cut to later that week. I came home from work and my husband was sitting on the couch, waiting for me with the announcement: "so I have news. There is a huge wasp nest on the patio." He had been researching how to get rid of the nest naturally and we proceeded to watch videos of men with thick southern accents claiming that dish soap and water was all you needed to get the job done. My husband was off to the store to gather his supplies and I was off to stand in the doorway, staring at the wasps flying around and wondering if this was a sign of the end of days.
When my husband came home with his soap and water, I begged him to cover all parts of his body. I dug into his military uniforms and pulled out a balaclava for his handsome face and military grade gloves. He threw on some clothes and he was off to start the adventure. For the record, he never once pulled the balaclava over his face, just let it sit on top of his head, which pissed me off but I am pregnant so lots of things piss me off. Granted it was about 100 degrees that day...but still. If you ever have to do this, consider covering your face. Just my two cents. Do you really want to take the chance and end up stung with swollen eyes?!
Long story short, my dogs and I watched from the sliding glass door as my husband took down a nest full of wasps with plain old Dial soap and water. He cursed and bobbed and weaved while wasps dive bombed his head. Our dogs watched curiously and I watched in horror. BUT HE DID IT. The wasps have not returned and we avoided toxic chemicals being sprayed around our home. So if you ever end up in this situation, now you know: dish soap and water!!!
So I went to the hospital on Thursday. Let me back up. On Wednesday night, I had some cramping which I chalked up to eating Dominos pizza with my best friend Matt. I knew Dominos would feel like instant food poisoning but pizza is pizza. So I was uncomfortable that night with some slight abdominal pain. I climbed into bed and said "Something's not right" then off I went to sleep. I woke up at 6am for work and felt a stabbing pain in my lower left abdomen, just below my bellybutton. And of course, since I had eaten Dominos, I assumed it was just a horrible bout of pregnancy gas (#sorrynotsorry).
Like most working pregnant women in the U.S., I cannot afford to miss a bunch of work days simply because I feel like crap. I am trying to hold on to my few remaining vacation days to ease the burden of loss of income when I am on maternity leave and taking a sick day because I had a random pain didn't seem like a good enough reason to me. I have been trying really hard over the past months to not freak out when I am feeling physically uncomfortable. My reasoning? Everything hurts when you're pregnant.
There was an accident on my commute to work so I sat in the car for an hour and a half and noticed the pain getting progressively worse. Like most people, even with my insurance, I avoid going to the doctor as much as possible because who knows how much it is going to cost. But being pregnant means there may be a problem with the baby, not just me, so I called my doctor's office and left a voicemail. They called back at 10:30am and by now, it hurt to stand up, sit, and walk. I don't know how to explain it. Just a nonstop pinching, throbbing, increasing pain in my lower left abdomen that was super tender to the touch. My doctor was not in the office that day but his nurse had texted him and he advised me to go to Labor and Delivery at the hospital I would be delivering at in October. Cue the nervous tears.
I was seen quickly at the hospital by a nurse who strapped a heart monitor on my abdomen to track the baby's heartbeat. To say I was relieved to hear his heartbeat is an understatement. Something about going to a hospital increases the meter on the worrying scale. The doctor I saw ordered an ultrasound to check my kidneys but everything looked fine. The tech moved the ultrasound right over the source of pain. "Oh look, the baby's hands are right there!" The doctor explained it most likely was round ligament pain...and (get a load of this) the baby was pressing his fists right up against it. The doctor told me this pain was something many women come in for between 24 and 28 weeks and to just rest and they discharged me. It was a mix of relief and frustration. Relief because nothing was seriously wrong. Frustration because nothing could be done to make this better.
Essentially, you have two round ligaments in your pelvis. One on either side of your uterus. Their job is to stretch and support the uterus as it grows during pregnancy. I read on a couple blogs that the round ligament stretches from 2 inches to 12 inches during pregnancy- no wonder it hurts! Everything I read online says the pain should only last a few seconds to minutes. Lucky me: I am on day 4. Last night, I woke up in so much pain that I could barely get out of bed to make my way to the bathroom. I have tried a heating pad, a warm shower, cat and cow stretches, and laying still for hours. Nothing has helped. I began crying from the pain last night and asked my unborn child to please, for the love, learn to share the space with me a bit more. Oh right- I haven't mentioned this part yet. I can feel him move and then BOOM! It literally feels like I am being stabbed in the sore spot. The constant pain is one thing. The unpredictable movements of my baby, who clearly is destined to be a future MMA fighter, brings on a severe and sudden pain that makes me temporarily see stars.
Today feels slightly better. Maybe last night was so awful that it could only get better from here. There is still pain but I can walk without doubling over or holding the walls for support. I don't know why my pain is so severe and after much googling, I have discovered I am not the only woman to suffer from this as badly as I am. I plan on calling my doctor again tomorrow to check in and see if there is anything I can do. How is it possible that I have felt pain nonstop for 4 days now in one spot? Maybe there is nothing I can do besides rest but for such an active person, I already feel a bit like I am losing my mind. Here's to hoping the severity is temporary and I can go back to being mildly miserable as I enter the third trimester!!
Let's have some real talk about the first trimester. In general, I have been very lucky to (so far) have an uncomplicated, by the books, run of the mill pregnancy. But that does not mean it has been enjoyable or that I am going to sugar coat those miserable three months. I promised to write a blog about the shitty parts of pregnancy. Well, here we go.
1) I was nauseous all the time. ALL.THE.TIME. It was like being hungover 24/7 without anything to make it better. I drank so much ginger ale that I started to just auto puke it after swallowing. I cannot bear to even think about looking at Saltines or Ritz crackers for the next 800 years. I was also one of those lucky women who had an inexplicable constant sour taste in her mouth. GROSS.
2) Actually, there was one thing that made me not feel nauseous. It was when I ate. Literally, if I was eating food, I felt better. The minute I stopped, here we go again. And just like being hungover 24/7, fast food and carbs was what made me feel better. I gained about a pound a week, setting me up for too much weight gain before this baby is here.
3) But don't you worry- I did puke. A ton! And nope, that did nothing to curb my weight gain. The grossest pregnancy moment I have had to date was laying on the couch watching The Golden Girls. Out of nowhere, truly no warning, I puked all over myself. I rolled onto my side and finished puking on the living room floor. I was disgusted with myself and my dog looked pretty horrified too. I walked to the bathroom, cleaned myself up, cleaned up the living room floor, and then ate a bowl of Oreo ice cream because remember what made me feel better? That's right. Eating. I was a complete shitshow.
4) I was emotional. SO EMOTIONAL. The truth is, I was very emotional before getting pregnant. The influx of hormones in addition to my own internal struggles with weight gain and anxiety created a shitstorm of tears. I cried all the time. I also endured a tragic loss in my family during that time and being pregnant felt like the most overwhelming thing in the world then. I was sad and I was scared. It really really sucked.
5) I have never been so tired in my whole life. I used to work 16 hour days with long commutes and I had never felt this sort of exhaustion before. All I did was eat, cry, or sleep. I felt sort of like a bear prepping for hibernation. My husband would come home from work every night to find me with a string of drool hanging from my mouth on the couch.
6) All those times when I had sore boobs before a period and thought "oh no, am I pregnant?" HA! I laugh at those times now. Because those sore boobs are nothing compared to first trimester boob pain. There were nights where I slept in a sports bra because taking it off would shoot fiery pains through my body.
BUT GUESS WHAT? Even after 3 full months of all of that in addition to heartburn, diarrhea, and headaches, I survived. Were there good parts of the first trimester too? Sure. The excitement of pregnancy, telling family and close friends secretly before public announcements, the first ultrasound were all moments that made it worth it. But do not let anyone try to fool you- growing a human being is no joke and most likely your body will LOSE IT'S SHIT for the first few months. I am sure there are mamas out there with similar, or worse, stories than mine and all I can do is commend each one of them for making it through. I used to pick my head up from the toilet, look at my husband with tears in my eyes, and say "I have no idea why any woman would ever do this to herself again." So for you moms with more than one kids, I give you an extra round of applause. Ultimately, the first trimester taught me that women are warriors. Gassy, tired, emotional, pukey warriors.
Every year, our family takes an annual camping trip in the summer. My husband LOVES camping. To say I would rather do anything else is an understatement. To clarify: I love hiking outdoors, seeing nature, campfires, and the peace and quiet nature can bring. I just want to experience all of these things with a real bed, bathroom, shower, and air conditioning at the end of the day. My husband is a "dig a hole in the ground and poop in the woods" sort of camper (are we bears??) I'm a "Pinterest how to make your own tent air conditioning" sort of camper. When we first discussed camping together, I figured we should probably break up instead of me taking a poop in the woods. When my mother found out I would be camping, she was in shock. "You must really love this guy." Luckily, we have learned to compromise so I am not in complete misery and he still feels like we are turning into filthy mountain creatures on our trips. Campsites with bathrooms, a sleeping pad, and an abundance of baby wipes to give the illusion of cleanliness.
At the beginning of February, we booked a site for late June at Dorst Creek in the Sequoia & Kings Canyon National Park. Two weeks later, we found out I was pregnant. Dread set in. Camping at almost 6 months pregnant sounded like a horrible idea. I was probably going to opt out. But as the trip got closer, the more compelled I felt to go. I really wanted to see those massive Redwoods and Sequoias. I wanted to disconnect from the city and quiet my mind. I got the go ahead from my doctor and he even informed me that I could use bug spray containing DEET. Most importantly, there were flush toilets at the site. I could do this!
We set out on our camping trip. We had to make a few bathroom stops along the way for my bladder but I survived. The first night of sleep was torture. Our site was on a slant. I kept sliding down the hill and trying to inchworm my way up in my sleeping bag with all my new extra weight was a real bitch. I had to get up and pee twice. Headlamp on, I was convinced I would be eaten by a bear on my way to the bathroom. (Pro tip: my husband lined a path to the bathroom with glow sticks to help me find my way at night. Brilliant.)
The next day, we set out for a hike. 4 miles down was easy and I was cruising. The scenery was gorgeous and we stopped for several pictures along the way. I had to pop a squat a couple times along the trail. My bare ass pressed against a tree trying not to pee on my pants was not my most dignified moment but since I've been pregnant, I've cared a little less about dignity and more about what's necessary. There was a ton of shade from the gorgeous trees and I felt so happy to be surrounded by such beauty.
The 4 miles back was almost all uphill and I was not as happy. I was sweating and my thighs felt like they were on fire. I attribute not dying on that hike to a few things: 1) my husband paced me and offered solid advice and encouragement, 2) I wrapped this incredible cooling towel around my neck to keep from overheating, and 3) I had continued working out through my pregnancy. If I had not done that, there is no way I would have been able to manage a hike like this. Your heart pumps harder and faster when you're pregnant. Add in the heightened elevation and I was breathing like I was sprinting uphill for hours. My fingers swelled up so much I couldn't feel them. My 9 year old stepson said he didn't think he could do the hike anymore but I told him there was a pizza place on the way back to camp and to adopt my workout mantra: "DO IT FOR THE PIZZA." We repeated that mantra a few times along the way and finally made it to the top. I felt like a frigging warrior and you best believe we ate pizza after that.
That night, my father in law unboxed an air mattress and pump for me. The pump didn't work so my husband and brother in law blew the damn thing up by mouth. HEROES DO EXIST, Y'ALL. I slept like a frigging princess the next two nights of our trip. The next day, we went swimming at Hume Lake, surrounded by massive dragonflies and a family of ducks. Later on, we went to visit the General Sherman Tree, the world's largest living tree. I was in awe of how incredible it was to see in person. After that, we explored a trail lined by trees and meadows. We went back to our campsite that night and practiced tying knots and made S'mores over the fire. The next morning, we returned back home and I can honestly say I was so happy I didn't talk myself out of this trip just because I was pregnant. Was it a bit more difficult than if I wasn't pregnant? Yes. Was it a bummer to not drink a beer by the campfire at night? Sure. Did it suck having to get up in the middle of the night every night and hope a bear didn't eat me so I could pee? You bet. But was it worth it to not let my pregnancy hold me back and still explore some of the beauty California has to offer? Without a doubt.
So if you are planning on camping when pregnant, I say go for it. Of course, you should always ask your doctor beforehand as we are all different. And if he/she gives you the go ahead, I suggest the following to make your trip more pleasant: air mattress, headlamp for late night bathroom trips, glow sticks to illuminate paths in the dark, and a Camelbak for constant hydration during activities. Also, be honest with yourself about your fitness level and remember that your pregnant body is not the same as it was before- everything will be harder. If I had not kept working out through my pregnancy, I would have been in a real bind on that strenuous hike. There are so many options for you out there that no matter what your level of fitness, you can still be active. Just be smart about it. Probably doesn't need to be said but as someone who needs reminders to not overdo it sometimes, I feel it's worth sharing. Lastly, bring a camera to document your baby's first camping trip. I bet they will be impressed with their mama when they look at the pictures later in life. Happy Trails!!
Remember this moment in Legally Blonde?
Apparently this is not true when you are 22 weeks pregnant. Yesterday, I finished my upper body workout, huffing and puffing away, drank a glass of water, and then began bawling on my yoga mat for a solid three minutes for no good reason. Mascara was all over my face and I felt like a total beauty queen. Ahhhhhh pregnancy hormones. What's not to love??
On Monday morning, February 13, 2017, I took a digital pregnancy test and it came back with the word PREGNANT. I had taken a few tests over the past year and they had always come back negative. Seeing the word POSITIVE was a bit hard to believe.
I spent the whole morning at work in a daze, convinced this was just a fluke. I had read about false positives before. My test had to have been one those, right? So on my lunch break, I went off to CVS and purchased a control test that wasn't digital. I went into the bathroom, peed on a stick, and waited as I watched the plus sign show up. This time I laughed and sent my husband a text that we were definitely on our way to being parents. And then I called my doctor, scheduled a blood test for Wednesday, and got my results on Thursday. According to the level of hCG in my blood, I was around 4 weeks pregnant!! In four days time, my life had changed drastically and I had gone from scared to confused to kind of giddy.
So how did I find out so quickly? From what I have read, not everyone finds out they are pregnant as early as four weeks. In fact, my doctor said his wife didn't know until she was almost 5 months! For almost a year, I had tracked data in a free app called Ovia Fertility so I knew my period was barely overdue and my symptoms were slightly off. Thanks to this app, I knew exactly when my last period had started when the doctor asked me. I highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in tracking their cycles, regardless of whether you are trying to conceive or not.
What's the point of sharing all this with you? From the moment I saw the word POSITIVE on that first test, I was unsure what to do. I quickly snapped into high gear and moved things along at a rapid pace and I think it helped me feel a bit less panicked to have some structure. In just four days I took two at home tests, got blood taken to confirm, received a referral to and scheduled an appointment with an amazing OBGYN in Encino. If you get a Big Fat Positive on a test too, definitely schedule a blood test with your doctor as soon as possible. Getting everything confirmed and in order gave me a sense of control in a world full of chaos (yes, I just quoted Clueless). After all, isn't knowing half the battle?
Let's start at the very beginning. A little background on me. My mother calls me a "party in a box." I love dancing, drinking, and general rowdiness. I have fortunately been able to balance responsibility with partying and turned out to be a reasonably responsible adult. But even as I get older and less interested in spending a day hungover on the couch, every few weeks or so that 19 year old party school kid feeling bubbles inside my ribs and I just have to get out and socialize...and something about warm weather gives that feeling extra power. I guess what I am trying to say is I am a party girl.
Right alongside being a party girl, I've also always been a "I do not want kids" girl. The idea of snotty nosed, loud mouthed, tantrum throwing kids around all the time made me shudder. I wouldn't say I'm as cold hearted as that last sentence sounds. I just like doing my own thing without answering to anyone else but myself. For a pretty decent amount of time, being perpetually single and childless seemed like a damn good deal to me.
But then the party girl in me went out one hot summer night to The Whaler in Venice and I met the man who would eventually become my husband. He had a son already and I broke my unspoken "never date a man with a child" rule. I didn't meet his son until things were getting serious and I was grateful that we eased our way into that for everyone involved. And guess what? I liked having this kid around! He was fun and cute and developing a relationship with this five year old wasn't so terrible after all.
FAST FORWARD A FEW YEARS and I was now married, partying less, becoming more domestic, and all I could think about was babies. The clock was ticking and suddenly "I don't want to have kids" turned into "I want a baby!!" So my husband and I decided I would quit my birth control and we would start trying.
And so we tried. For about a year. Nothing happened. I would get sad over it because I would fall into the comparison trap (DO NOT EVER FALL INTO THE COMPARISON TRAP!!)- why were women getting pregnant so easily and nothing was happening for me? My husband already had a son so it couldn't be him. Maybe it was me. Maybe I was too old. Maybe I was infertile. Maybe all those years of saying I didn't want kids had sealed my fate. I would get so sad about it that my husband very wisely informed me that if this was something that made me so depressed, I should try to stop putting so much emphasis on it. And he was right. Something clicked. I never wanted kids before. Why was I so caught up in this? So I began to create my new life plan. I was going to go back for my Master's. I began researching schools earnestly. I felt like myself again. I would dive headfirst into my career. I felt renewed.
And then one January weekend, I was constipated for three days. THREE DAYS. Do you know what it feels like to be constipated for THREE WHOLE DAYS? It is not pleasant. (This is child's play compared to the first trimester but we will wait for that blog to elaborate.)
My husband told me I needed to take a pregnancy test and off to CVS we went. I woke up the next morning and peed on a stick. And wouldn't you know...that little digital test said that one very big word: PREGNANT.
WELL HOLY SHIT THEN.
It was a Monday morning and my husband was about to leave for work. I held out the pregnancy test to him as if it was contaminated. His face lit up. I cannot explain how happy he looked. He said "Am I allowed to be excited?!" I nodded and started crying and said, "I'm scared." He hugged me and kissed me and went off to work while I cried a bit more in our living room before starting my commute.
What was wrong with me? All this time I had wanted to be pregnant and now that I was, I simply felt fear and confusion. I took two more tests because I was sure the first was a fluke. They all came back positive. And so began the journey that has inspired this blog. The rollercoaster had just begun...